"Now I know you haven't left yet, but I thought I'd throw this your way. Just for starters, I found this pair of soft green pants at the Village. Lighter than Kelly green, but darker than sea foam green. Now, I normally don't wear green pants, but I read this Dr. Seuss story about a pair of green pants with no one inside. So that made me want to wear them. Plus they were $2, and they're from the Gap. Have any advice? This is a major fork in my road. Help me."
Ok, you know what I have to say? Do you know who wears green pants? Leprechauns, golfers, hipsters who think working on farms is glamorous and trendy, paired with a plaid flannel! Also, incidentally, the Green Giant:
I do want to point something out. Two things, actually. First, you described them as "soft." If this means something between a legging and a sweat, I can't believe you're even asking me. You are not making a Jane Fonda workout video. Second, the shade between sea foam and kelly? What is that, fava bean? By the way, I never understood that. Sea foam is a dirty white, not green. Who came up with that? Way to ruin our vision of nature, Martha Stewart! Anyways, lima/fava/soybean green is never attractive on anyone, unless you're a stir fry. Are you a stir fry, Anna? You should be ashamed to have to answer that question.
Now, before you think you've bested me by pointing out that I did recently acquire a pair of green pants myself for $2.50 at the Village...I will admit that I did. Readily. My pants are not "soft." I do not plan on pairing them with leg warmers and a matching sweatband. Also, they are not bean green. They are cargo. Furthermore, they are a fantastic grab--they roll up to capris of two different lengths. Beat that with a stick, Anna. And while you're at it, use that stick for kindling the fire that will consume your soft green pants and matching elastic-banded Kitty Foreman skirt.
You're welcome in advance. Happy move-in!
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